I have been contemplating my singleness for a while now. Do I want to be married? Do I even want to be in a relationship right now? Is any man worth giving up the freedom I now enjoy? Can I truly be happy in my singleness forever? Is my reluctance to stay single society's conditioning placed on me or my own genuine feelings? Can I find a man that can deal with my independence & need for space? Is that even OK? Shouldn't I want to be subservient & in a marriage at my age? Is there something wrong with me that I'm not that pressed about it?
I wasn't really sure what to write about this month so I decided to do what I do every month. I am going to share with you what I'm working through personally. Holistic wellness is, in fact mind, body, spirit wellness so it definitely pertains to my present journey to #farmlife! Frankly, I need a little help & its my blog so I will use it to work my shit out! I can't really hurt viewer participation or make it any lower than it is now. So back to these burning questions about my singleness. What is really my issue with dating and/or being single? Sometimes I think I know & then the universe throws some new nonsense into the game! Understand I want to use emojis right now, but I will not!
For those of you that don't know me personally, I am in my early 40s & have been celibate for about 3 years. I have never been married, though I've been engaged twice & come very close to the altar once. I have adult children & 2 going on 3 grandchildren. My environment or frequency over the years caused my prospects to be less than desirable for a number of years. Honestly, I was a mess myself back then, but I am cute & funny. Alright, alright...I might not have been that much of a prize myself at some points in time. I wasn't nearly as enlightened as I am now. I attracted men that needed, but didn't want to be healed. They didn't even recognize their demons & I didn't understand mine.
I used to tell people that I was a magnet for crazy. it wasn't until I was introduced, in my enlightened state to the law of attraction that I even realized it was more my fault that I was attracting the worst type of guys. I was in such a dark place, even battling depression at times. I had my own internal chaos going on that was manifesting some very dark characteristics & therefore attracting hurt humans that hurt me. Once I began my enlightenment journey instead of confronting this I just became celibate & discontinued dating seriously. By the time I realized my own brokenness was the actual magnet to "crazy" I had already resigned myself to being single forever. I was completely comfortable being the crazy old lady with dream catchers all around her yard, keeping all the balls the kids in my neighborhood kicked or hit into my yard! I have goals & dreams & no longer want to put them or my happiness on the back burner for a relationship.
There are quite a few things about my brokenness that I'm extremely grateful for. First, coming out of that state is such an empowering experience. To persevere through the kind of turmoil that was my life is proof that I could make it through anything. There were some very bad times with very bad guys in some really bad circumstances. You watch people die, you are beaten, mentally broken, you have days you wish not to wake up, but you do & your body aches so badly that you hate God for not allowing you to die. You are self destructive & make decisions based on survival rather than logic. Now that I'm out of the survival mindset & into manifestation mindset I can very clearly see my brokenness in the type of men I attracted over the years.
When I originally began to awaken I was so over toxic masculinity I just quit trying. I decided I was done! I would be single forever! I was not going to attempt to heal toxic masculinity. I was no longer going to deal with the men that were approaching me, I just quit dating! That was his momma's job not mine! I was tired of dealing with brokenness. That was definitely easier than dealing with my own toxic relationship beliefs. Besides, I did not want to be anyone's wife in the traditional sense of the word. I wanted to do too many things with my newfound knowledge & the men I was attracting were so needy of attention & affection, I could not deal! I wanted to focus on being a better me & manifesting my dreams!
None of my dreams growing up really included a man beyond to finance my dreams. How else was I going to pay for all these grand ideas I had in my head for my life? I'm A girl from the hood that never really associated with independently wealthy women. I dreamed of weddings that didn't include a visual representation of my husband. I dreamed of sharing my life with a significant other, but I honestly had no idea what any of it looked like. I had just found out the one "successful" relationship that I had used for a model my entire life was a lie. Every relationship I had ever seen or been in was toxic, based on toxic/outdated beliefs that completely unsettled my spirit. I wasn't interested in that for the rest of my life!
I was in the process of discovering my own worth, power & gifts & I was not getting ready to share that with some toxic man with nothing to offer except his idea of a good time! I also came back to a theory I had in my teenage years about energy transferring & soul connections. I noticed the difference in the way I felt, behaved & even smelled after being with a new partner. This turned me off of kissing & any intimate act with random men. I wasn't able to be promiscuous for very long because of this, even though I was desperately seeking love. I was always very aware that i wouldn't necessarily find what i was looking for through sex & I always felt extremely unclean even when in a relationship.
It wasn't until I healed my own childhood trauma & self destructive beliefs that I began considering dating again. I think its important to note that this is the stage I'm in now. I have been contemplating my future lately & realize I have to know what a successful relationship looks like to me before I'll actually be able to have one. I have come to many realizations about myself & what my partner & I should bring to the table. I understand I need to be prepared for him & willing to compromise in some things in order to achieve what I perceive as a successful lifetime partnership. I have also learned about agape/unconditional love. The love of God that we should have for all of God's children & creatures. The power of that love is a completely different monster. A monster with the ability to both build you to heights beyond all imagination & destroy your entire soul.
Forgiveness, acceptance, gratitude & unconditional love were foreign concepts to me until I was introduced to God's love. So caught up in figuring out what I wouldn't tolerate, the deal breakers that I could've dismissed my soulmate for the tiniest infraction. I do know none of the men I've date so far were my soulmate. I can clearly see their purpose in my life. I have learned the lessons from blindly choosing a partner with no regard to what they have to offer my soul or life journey. I have done the work to clean my spirit of negativity & developed an intimate relationship with the Creator. That relationship is what I now base all my relationships on.
My entire life changed the moment I began to nurture that relationship. I stopped attracting broken/unmotivated men. Where I didn't see any spiritually, emotionally or financially stable men completely flipped overnight. I started being approached by the type of men that would intimidate a girl like me. I no longer contemplate whether I want to be in a relationship & have begun trying to figure out what type of man I want to spend my life with. It is, after all completely up to me. I now know that I can control my own destiny. I don't have to be with the guy my family, friends or even society thinks I should be with. I also don't have to settle for the lesser of any evils. I can deny any spirit that doesn't sit well in mine.
I am totally content with being alone & I could care less what anyone thinks of it! I can't deny I would love to share my life with some strong, funny, handsome black man. I know that if he ever shows up I won't have to sacrifice anything I want from this life to have him. He will support my dreams, his dreams will compliment mine & together we'll build something I can't even imagine right now. He will have a healthy relationship with spirit, finances & his family. He will have his own dreams & ambitions so we can have our own space, our own careers & we will support one another.
My accomplishments won't ever intimidate him. I won't have to explain why its more important to be building my business or going back to school than to nurture his ego or need for attention/ intimacy. He will know that sex & finances aren't the only ways to win my heart. I no longer have society's idea of a wife or relationship to live up to. I can now build my relationship & life around what makes my partner & I happy. I had to heal the brokenness of my heart before I could even consider bringing someone else into the picture. I am whole all by myself, my life partner will compliment my wholeness not complete it or even need to add to it. He definitely won't deplete it or take from it. I can't depend on my relationship to look like anyone else's idea of perfect except mine & his.
So, yes I guess I do want to be married just not in the traditional sense of the word. I want to be free to pursue my dreams & create a legacy with someone who wants nothing more than to make me smile. Someone who has the same aspirations to have an amazing love affair that will enhance our lives in every way possible. Yes, its okay for me to be single at my age. It is completely logical for me to take my time & patiently wait on my soulmate. It is also okay if i never do. It doesn't make me any less of anything if I decide to stay in my singleness.
I am under no obligation to share my body or my life with anyone who has nothing to contribute to my destiny, but I can if I so choose. Free will is the most beautiful, destructive gift we've ever been given. Free to choose whatever your little heart desires, yet so easy to make choices that make your life harder than it has to be. Yes, those experiences shape your life, build your personality, mold you into the person that can endure so much, yet some are completely unnecessary. We have to stop allowing others to paint their picture of what our happy looks like. That is what is best for them, not you!
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